Ebbs & Flows (guess which I'm in right now?)

I just re-read my last entry. I want to extend my heartfelt appreciation to Carol & TJ, who left sweet comments.

but.

I can re-read the words, but I can't recapture the emotion. F U C K. earlier today, I was previewing my playlist for my campus radio show tomorrow. this one song called "Ruby's Shoes" is about the first little black girl to be intergrated into the public schools in New Orleans. I was reading my law book and typing away on my outline, and then BOOM my face wrinkled up and I started sobbing. I thought, I have too much to do, I can't feel that way right now. and so I forced myself to continue typing and reading that damn law book. and for most of the rest of the day, I've been numb. I put a photo of the beer I'm drinking because, shit, I don't know, because it's all I'm really feeling at this moment. no, that's not right. it's all I'm allowing myself to feel right now. because brewing just under the surface is sorrow. I'm afraid if I let it go, I won't be able to stop. and I'm "well" now, so I have responsibilities and people rely on me to do what I say I will do. post-traumatic stress disorder sucks fucking ass. just a week ago I was so peaceful and joyful. it's actually so much easier when you are sick. I mean, in that space when you are trying to get it together but it works about half the time. people aren't really let down when you fail, and they are really happy when you make it work. that's what's so fucking hard about having PTSD. when everything is humming along, you forget that you exist on the edge, and when that trigger makes you tumble down into the morass, you are stunned, because you forgot what happens to you when you aren't on guard. you forget that your soul can get lodged in your bladder an make you double over with pain. and you forget that your brain doesn't work right and you could leave your hand over a flame and wouldn't feel it burn.

you forget that some really horrible things have shaped your life into this utter despair and weakness and the person that people think of when they hear your name is only the facade that you project to make this life bearable.