you know you're a masochist when...

so, this undergrad degree thing. what the hell was I thinking? sure, I like a challenge, like 'em more than the average bear I'd say. but after spending the past 4 hours reading a book on "Servant Leadership" that is some of the most arrogant idiotic drivel I've ever read (and believe me, I've read a lot of books in my time), I'm wondering if I've taken on an actual challenge or if I just really like the feeling of smashing my own head into concrete.

Regis has a program specifically for adult learners. but nope, I wanted to be in the traditional college. with kids what are young enough to be my kids. I'm 7 years younger than one of my professors, and I'm actually older than another. I felt that most of the folks who go to "adult college" are there mainly because they need to have the degree in order to progress in their careers. I wanted to be with folks who were really jazzed about being in school. plus, I was hoping to meet one of two people who would want to do a little culture jamming.

I'm really unused to the concept of sitting down and keeping quiet. two decades of being an activist will do that to a grrl. but there are sooo many generational differences between my classmates & me that I find myself thinking, "Is this the topic I want to challenge, or do I want to wait to see what happens in the next five minutes?" 'cuz you know that when the mid-thirties hippie-radical-feminist-activist-with-armpit-hair raises her hand, it's not going to be to say what somebody else was thinking. it just isn't.

but, what goes on in my brain doesn't get much company anyway. so, really, how different is this school thing? my friend Micky is going through the same deal. she's a first year law student at University of Denver (not a school known for it's progressive politics), and she's going to be a civil rights lawyer (but she's really smart -- not only is she actually getting a graduate degree [unlike yours truly], but she's on full scholarship, so she won't be in debt forever [unlike yours truly]. told ya she was smart ;~)

anyway, Micky & I were talking today about, essentially, being round fish in a square pond. micky's an awesome third-wave feminist, a Buddhist, and a progressive activist. I tell you, if you're going to do something as wacky as get a 2nd bachelor's degree with students half your age, it really helps to know someone doing something even harder than you are to give some perspective. and to tell you that you won't be reinforcing the hairy radical dyke feminist stereotype for those 19-year-olds in your Women's Studies class by speaking up about what it was like to fight tooth & nail to wear pants. PANTS, FER CRISSAKE! I'm not talking about some wack stripper outfit. I mean like your normal Levi's, with two legs and a zipper in the middle. (one of my high school teachers insisted that all the girls cross our legs. he'd take points off if we didn't.) it's hard to relate to young women who've grown up without having their gender be that big of an issue. I guess that's why so few of them identify as feminists. it scares me, though. political apathy is one of the biggest hurdles we activists face. can we defend Roe v. Wade when so many of today's generation don't understand how recent and tenuous our steps toward equality are? I've been alive longer than American women have had legal access to abortion! and I'm only 35 years old!

so, this weekend, I'm slogging through all of this reading by authors who wrote things like, "My good society will have strong individualism amid community. It will have elitism along with populism." [Servant Leadership, Robert K. Greenleaf, pg. 26] the author thinks that society should have elitism? what kind of privileged white male classist bullshit is THAT????!! the professor can't shut up about how great this book is. can you say "scary" ? it's my own fault though. it said right on the professor blurb that he's in the Business Department. (damn linear-thinking pro-capitalists). hmmm, when do you think the best time would be to tell him than I'm a proud working-class anarchist who got arrested at the WTO protest in Seattle? ;~)

But, there is a reason, a larger goal, for all this struggle & strife. so, come tuesday, you can find me in the front row of all my classes, challenging my professors, my fellow students, and, most of all, myself. after all, stepping out of one's comfort zone is the only way to learn, right? and, of course, when I walk into my Peace & Justice class with eight other really awesome progressive thinkers and one of the most wonderful professors I've ever met, everything else I have to do is totally worth it.

peace,
tigger grrl